XoXo Gossip Girl.

“Gossip Girl here your one and only source

into the scandalous lives of Manhattans elite” 

We all have those shows we wish were reality, many go for the classic SVU and CSI: Miami for the thrill. But who am I kidding?!

Gossip Girl was the most life changing show in my whole life. 

Come on there are endless reasons why the sex, the money, the scandal. But just kidding. Lets all be real here, those parts of this show were quite intriguing and wanted us more but I liked it more for the fact that it was so far from reality.

Upper East Side, Manhattan.

Now, don’t get me wrong. My high school life may have had the same amount of drama as B and S over their scandal Nate in the first season. BUT the truth is, is no one in upstate NY will probably ever know what it feels like to be a teen in the Higher Class Archibald and Van der Woodsen standards. The life of someone who is carefree and living in the city.

As said in my last post….

I LOVE NYC. period.

almost as much as i love Nate and Serena together but thanks Cecily. 

  • move to NYC
  • marry Chuck Bass
  • have Serena’s style 

do y’all know what that means?!

I’M MERELY THREE STEPS AWAY FROM BEING A MANHATTANS ELITE.

i think that’s what it means.

i love you all.

stay fabulous. Xx

“And who am I? Thats one secret I’ll never tell,

You know you love me. XOXO Gossip Girl”

 

My second home is at…..the doctors.

Who really likes going to the doctors? Raise your hand.

Honestly. If you raised your hand, you can stop reading right now.

About every 3 weeks I have to go get blood drawn.

Long story short I have numerous things wrong with me

and I am probably one of the unhealthiest-healthiest

eighteen year-olds ever, if that makes sense.

I have an inactive thyroid and low blood pressure.

It’s just getting really tedious.

              Blood Work.

                          Follow up appointments.

                                        Repeat.

It is a process I am going have to do pretty much my whole life.

yay. can I get a Hooray from the peanut gallery?

HOOORAAAYYY!

This became a long rant-vent session

that probably didn’t impact y’all at all. 

Sorry, loves.

Stay Fabulous. Xx

Shut the hell up, it’s summer.

Howdy, and I am back.

Needless to say, based on my last post I am here to say I finally can say I once HAD depression, but I’m free. I found the light at the end of the tunnel. But summer is supposed to be fun so that’s the last thing I am mentioning about that in this post.

SUMMER 2K14 HAS OFFICIALLY BEGUN

As of right now, i have a lot of changes coming up.

I officially quit my job that has literally been a great first job with all of the friends there i have made (who literally are my only friends right now lol during summer at least) and the experience i can take from it. But so long movie theater, i need a change. Jobs can be stressful and when you hit that level you literally have to walk out and say “PEACE” no part time job is worth that… so now I am a host in a sports bar #imdoingitforthewings

….judge me all you want but everyone loves chicken wings. 

ahhhhh.

holy $h!+ .. I have so many plans coming up.

 I’m gonna call in my good friend Frank Sinatra to help me share this one..

“Start spreadin’ the news, I’m leavin’ today
I want to be a part of it
New York, New York”

Thanks, Frank.

I am going to NYC next week pretty pumped, since it is literally my favorite place in the whole entire world..

Literally. 

Welp, this is getting long, and who likes to read this long. Not me.

I will start blogging more. Promise. Okay?

am i the only one who can’t say “okay” without wanting to cry? 

Fault in our Stars Reference. You should know that.

Okay. Love You ALL.

Thanks for the support. XoXo

Stay Fabulous.

And here goes nothing…

Hello, I am Megan St Clair, and as an eighteen year old you would think I probably have a good group of friends, loving college, and is at one of the happiest moments of my life. For all my friends and family reading this, I am sorry I have been acting so long. None of that is true. I have depression, I am done being in denial about it. I am sad, my life is a black hole, I cry way more than I smile and I push people away because I want to give up. I wasn’t ready to share any of this until recently, because when I tell people I have depression it is kind of hard to answer the questions they have for me because I just cry. I am going to cry still but now it’s through the computer screen, so I don’t have to deal with the embarrassment.

This all happened in tenth grade, that’s right folks I have been going through this for years, and just 6 months ago was when I decided to get actual help. None of my friends even noticed, I deserve an Oscar….maybe next year. It was the summer of 2013 when I let my guard down and couldn’t hold any of it in anymore. I HAD this one person in my life who was probably the worst person to tell, not because she is a bad-person but because I knew her for a matter of two months so I barely knew her. Lets just say, we were texting at the wrong time, LOL.

She knew everything, surprisingly, she could relate. She has been through shit too. She made sure she was there when needed. You never know the power of the hug until you hit this level. A hug can change your mood. I used to think they were like a hug from my family, since I refused to tell them anything. I still kind of do, they know enough information to know I have to get help, and that is all they’ll ever know. When she went away to college she did whatever it took to make sure I was getting help, taking my medicine, and even eating. Some people say eating disorders are a side-effect of depression meds, I beg to differ I had all the control in the world, I just was not into eating. It happens, I am over it now, Thank God. I love me some good food.

Through this whole experience up until now I have had my ups, I have had my downs. It literally is a never ending roller-coaster in a dark room, you can see the light and then BOOM the coaster turns the other way into the dark again and you are doing what ever it takes to control the coaster to go back. The coaster being your life, obviously.

So, the worst question I get asked all the time is “Why are you depressed?”

If i knew the answer to this, I wouldn’t be depressed anymore. I would be able to remove and/or get rid of the cause in my life and then I’m cured. Unfortunately, I have a memorized answer that I use every time for that question: “I am not really sure exactly, I just am living in the bottom of a black hole, I see the light at the top and I am trying to reach the latter, but I can’t seem to find it.” That is how I feel, that is what life is to me right now.

The biggest misconception of depression is that you either

1. You hurt yourself physically

2. You are suicidal

3. You wear all black, never smile, dark make up and look like you hate life .

Those are actually the total opposites for me at this point where I am at. I have never physically cut or hurt myself. I have had eating disorders here and there but I would never go back to that level. It wasn’t that I did it on purpose I just kept forgetting to eat, I never felt hungry and so I didn’t think to eat. I was, too, suicidal. But I knew I would never go through with it I just wanted to more-or-less give up. Give up on my friends, family, and where I was. I thought it was the easiest way. I did write a letter, I gave it to that girl who knew everything, and she held it until I was ready to rip it up together and we did. YAY.

There are many places where I feel happy and there are places I feel sad. There are people who make me feel happy, and there are people who make me feel sad.

As of right now, I am free. I am still in recovery and I am getting better daily. I recently just did a huge spring cleaning to my life and got rid of people and things in my life that were a negative impact. I will miss everyone. I want to be that happy, care-free person again, and until I get there I can’t have those in my life. We will see when I get there. It is coming up this August of the one year anniversary of when I told someone, needless to say, I have improved sooooo much and I thank everyone who has helped. So that’s my story. So yes, I have depression but I am not depression. There is way more to me than that.

I love you all.