Hello, I am Megan St Clair, and as an eighteen year old you would think I probably have a good group of friends, loving college, and is at one of the happiest moments of my life. For all my friends and family reading this, I am sorry I have been acting so long. None of that is true. I have depression, I am done being in denial about it. I am sad, my life is a black hole, I cry way more than I smile and I push people away because I want to give up. I wasn’t ready to share any of this until recently, because when I tell people I have depression it is kind of hard to answer the questions they have for me because I just cry. I am going to cry still but now it’s through the computer screen, so I don’t have to deal with the embarrassment.
This all happened in tenth grade, that’s right folks I have been going through this for years, and just 6 months ago was when I decided to get actual help. None of my friends even noticed, I deserve an Oscar….maybe next year. It was the summer of 2013 when I let my guard down and couldn’t hold any of it in anymore. I HAD this one person in my life who was probably the worst person to tell, not because she is a bad-person but because I knew her for a matter of two months so I barely knew her. Lets just say, we were texting at the wrong time, LOL.
She knew everything, surprisingly, she could relate. She has been through shit too. She made sure she was there when needed. You never know the power of the hug until you hit this level. A hug can change your mood. I used to think they were like a hug from my family, since I refused to tell them anything. I still kind of do, they know enough information to know I have to get help, and that is all they’ll ever know. When she went away to college she did whatever it took to make sure I was getting help, taking my medicine, and even eating. Some people say eating disorders are a side-effect of depression meds, I beg to differ I had all the control in the world, I just was not into eating. It happens, I am over it now, Thank God. I love me some good food.
Through this whole experience up until now I have had my ups, I have had my downs. It literally is a never ending roller-coaster in a dark room, you can see the light and then BOOM the coaster turns the other way into the dark again and you are doing what ever it takes to control the coaster to go back. The coaster being your life, obviously.
So, the worst question I get asked all the time is “Why are you depressed?”
If i knew the answer to this, I wouldn’t be depressed anymore. I would be able to remove and/or get rid of the cause in my life and then I’m cured. Unfortunately, I have a memorized answer that I use every time for that question: “I am not really sure exactly, I just am living in the bottom of a black hole, I see the light at the top and I am trying to reach the latter, but I can’t seem to find it.” That is how I feel, that is what life is to me right now.
The biggest misconception of depression is that you either
1. You hurt yourself physically
2. You are suicidal
3. You wear all black, never smile, dark make up and look like you hate life .
Those are actually the total opposites for me at this point where I am at. I have never physically cut or hurt myself. I have had eating disorders here and there but I would never go back to that level. It wasn’t that I did it on purpose I just kept forgetting to eat, I never felt hungry and so I didn’t think to eat. I was, too, suicidal. But I knew I would never go through with it I just wanted to more-or-less give up. Give up on my friends, family, and where I was. I thought it was the easiest way. I did write a letter, I gave it to that girl who knew everything, and she held it until I was ready to rip it up together and we did. YAY.
There are many places where I feel happy and there are places I feel sad. There are people who make me feel happy, and there are people who make me feel sad.
As of right now, I am free. I am still in recovery and I am getting better daily. I recently just did a huge spring cleaning to my life and got rid of people and things in my life that were a negative impact. I will miss everyone. I want to be that happy, care-free person again, and until I get there I can’t have those in my life. We will see when I get there. It is coming up this August of the one year anniversary of when I told someone, needless to say, I have improved sooooo much and I thank everyone who has helped. So that’s my story. So yes, I have depression but I am not depression. There is way more to me than that.
I love you all.